i believe in God.

far far away.

sometimes, things don't go the way you think they would. more things wouldn't go the way you want them to. sometimes, things that you never have thought would happen happens. things you thought that are impossible just becomes possible. you would want things you never thought you wanted. like what tiny tower always say in their bitbook, when life gets perfect, you're in the wrong lane [or something like that]. nothing in the world is perfect but that doesn't mean that we don;t have to put effort in anything anymore. i somehow have to believe that things can be perfect somehow, they might not be in others' eyes, but as long as you think it is, it is. there is someone i know who's perfect.

GOD

she read me the note he left on her bed

snucked in her room right after she left

and put petals on the ground

her head on his shoulder they walk down the hall

that left me to wonder

will i ever fall in love and where is he now

she's with him, i'm in the back seat

know it's not right but it hurts when they're laughing

i'll never be where they are

♥

mood: 

momma please.

when i was younger, i took ballet lessons. i used to be a ballerina. well, i kinda wanna take the lessons again but that's not the point. i used to perform ballet on stage twice a year. i took the lessons for 3 years. then i had to stop it because my mother thought i would be tired from school. for the first time i performed, it was in a big group. it was a total disaster. fake smoke came out of no where. well, that is not the point either. my first ballet performance, i was out at the back because i was one of the tallest in the ballet class. i had my spotlight too of course and i was just a kid, i didn't think much. that time i was only 4. after the first performance, i had my solo performance, my teacher said i was one of the best in class. after the whole performance, my mom said that i must be one of the worst and that must be why i was put at the back and my solo was the most horrible one of all. imagine that. i was only 4, how am i suppose to understand that? i listened to my mom bring me down everytime i do something. everytime. everything.

when i said everything, i wasn't kidding. i learnt piano, too. up to grade 4. stopped because i couldn't find a good teacher. i have some bad err..things i do when i was learning piano. i don't like to practice songs that i don't think is nice. but my teacher knows me well so she chooses the nice songs for me to practice. for the exam pieces, i have no choice. everytime i practice, at home, even though i know that it is perfect, my mom would say something like, it's too slow or it's too fast or maybe wouldn't say anything. when my niece come to my house and play some random kid song, she'll say that it's so friggin' nice and i didn't play until that nice when i was that age. when i ask her if the songs i played were ever nice, she'll say it's not and my niece's one is nicer. my cousin is so compatative, she always compare me to her daughter in front of my mom. and such a show off. not that i think that she is better, of course i know that i'm better, that's obvious, just that's what my mom thinks, i'm always the stupidest and the worst in her head.

kindof the same things happen again and again.

same goes for my guitar dream.

and now, this week, it's my exam results. so far, i've gotten 2 Cs already, bad enough, i bet my mom is gonna be angry. but i really hope that it doesn't have anything to do with fellowship. i wanna attend fellowship. i allow myself to skip a few weeks when there's exam and i do not allow myself to skip it for the whole year. it feels like i'm loosing a whole part of myself. i'm not angry for failing add maths, i'm not angry that i'm stupid, i'm kindof angry that wendy cheats and beat me, but i'm scared. i'm scared that my mom will be furious at my results. i'm scared that she will call me stupid again, brainless, useless. i'm scared that she thinks that church is the thing that is making me get these bad results. this whole year, i've been trying to prove her wrong, but again and again, she leaves me speechless. sometimes i just start to think if i'm even her child. why does she have to be so mean to me? some people says she cares too much, over protective. fine, then why does she have to be mean? why does she have to make me feel like i'm worthless, like i can't do anything right? why do i have to live my life to impress her? since i was 5, i've been trying to impress my mom, only my teachers complimented me, my mom never complimented me. i'm exhausted. i need a break from all thing. 11 years of trying to impres someone that will never be impressed. i'm surprised that i had the will to live this long. LOL, just kidding, i've never thought of dying. that's stupid. i have a life to live for.

mood: 

11.11.11

do you have to make me feel like there's nothing left of me?

you can take everything i have, you can break everything i am,

like i'm made of glass, like i'm made of paper,

go on and try to tear me down, i will be rising from the ground,

like a skyscraper, like a

skyscraper

4 Arts 1 had the most awesome class party ever just now. we went to TGI FRIDAY'S to have lunch. phin shang, zhong herng and jia huei celebrated their birthday early there. it was like how En. Harri celebrate theirs. they have to stand on chairs. it was quite scary when zhong herng had to stand on the chair. oh! oh! and you know what? at TGI there, there's a man that looked like En. Harri, too! what a coincidence! then they had to use chilli sauce bottles as some microphone and they had to give a thank you speech and then they had to song a song together. they sang the school song. hahahahahha. that's not funny enough, k? they had to get a best friend up to hold a cup filled with cream and a tiny little cherry under all that cream. they had to use their mouth to dig the cream and eat the cherry. they all end up having cream mustache/moustache (aihh, forgot how to spell that word. i think it's mustache) 

after lunch, we all decided to go for karaoke. it was so friggin' yeng weyh. there were like 17 people going into RedBox and we got the biggest room they had. their biggest room wasn't very big. it was very cheap. 17 bucks per person and with like how many jugs of beverage and how many plates of food, damn there's one that's nice. too bad i only had like 1 bite of it. first, we all sing until damn bersemangat. i was so scared when they asked me to sing LOL then sudah ok.. after like 3 hours we all got tired. skipped every song. then everyone went home, not everyone la. almost everyone. i went to daiso to buy felt and everyone was like what is that? see! you buy for what?

i was suppose to go home at 6.30 but you what? i went home at 8 something. guess why? you will never be able to guess unless i told you. i told my mom i'm going to ou then to curve. i told her a few times. so i assume she knows. duh, if you told someone something a few times, you will assume they already know right? then she fetch me at ou. my phone was running out of credit. i was so scared of my mom. well, you know la, she's kinda scary. and i cried a bit when i thought of how i lived my life being worried and afraid of my mom. ahem, then, i texted yuejen to help me call my mom to tell her i'm at curve, just in case she doesn't know, cos she fetch me to ou just now. then she was angry like hell and shouted like, you go back yourself la, settle yourself, i don't care, i'm not fetching you! i'm going home! you go follow you friends la! and i was like, there is no one i can follow la, they all go home already. then she hung up. 

then i called jeff, well, he is still at curve, asked him if he can send me back, he said he will be staying at curve for a drink until after 12. wendy herself also have transport problem. weilun can't fetch. shaun is..idk, going for midnight gym. and when i thought i was alone, i was sitting on those white thing with trees calling my mom. they passed by and headed for cotton on. so i thought maybe i shall just go somewhere and eat so that i don't run into them and look like some loner. so i went to tutti frutti. after a while, i noticed a gang of like 4 people coming to eat at the table beside me. LOL, it's them. they keep following me. i sat there for like 10 minutes and they didn't notice me. hahahah, i called my cousin then i found transport. my cousin gave me a few words cos he believed what my mom said. 

oh!oh! it's 11.11.11 11:11pm! make a wish? i don't think it works but oh well. i wish that my mom won't give me the face tomorrow. done.

my mom said that i didn't tell her i went to curve. i told her a few times already la. it's either she forgot or she didn't hear. sheeeesh. she don't angry nowadays la, my auntie banyak problem wan la. but who cares now, i am having some problems now. then we talked and talked at tutti frutti, talked about driving, well, seems like they all drive before except for me, damn. then weilun and wendy left. and shaun jeff and i chat for like 20 minutes and my cousin came, thank God, cause we were running out of topic. hahahah. then my cousin listened to my version of the story. well, duh, of course i am right. but my mom will never lose wan lah, if she lose, she will make me suffer. then i came home, continue sewing. i have to finish angela's one by tomorrow, so i will not be able to help with the christmas decorations in church ;/

so it all comes to tomorrow now, i wanna go to ou weyh, so many things to buy. skin food. top shop. cotton on. and i shall check out some new stores. this is so friggin long cos it was a friggin long day. and many things happened. 11.11.11 was suppose to be a special day, well it's kinda special. 4 Arts 1 class party at TGI FRIDAY'S on a friday and my mom left me at curve. special isn't it? i hope 12.11.11 is a better day :) i can't wait to see rachel again, i wanna listen to her english!! :D

mood: