when i was younger, i took ballet lessons. i used to be a ballerina. well, i kinda wanna take the lessons again but that's not the point. i used to perform ballet on stage twice a year. i took the lessons for 3 years. then i had to stop it because my mother thought i would be tired from school. for the first time i performed, it was in a big group. it was a total disaster. fake smoke came out of no where. well, that is not the point either. my first ballet performance, i was out at the back because i was one of the tallest in the ballet class. i had my spotlight too of course and i was just a kid, i didn't think much. that time i was only 4. after the first performance, i had my solo performance, my teacher said i was one of the best in class. after the whole performance, my mom said that i must be one of the worst and that must be why i was put at the back and my solo was the most horrible one of all. imagine that. i was only 4, how am i suppose to understand that? i listened to my mom bring me down everytime i do something. everytime. everything.
when i said everything, i wasn't kidding. i learnt piano, too. up to grade 4. stopped because i couldn't find a good teacher. i have some bad err..things i do when i was learning piano. i don't like to practice songs that i don't think is nice. but my teacher knows me well so she chooses the nice songs for me to practice. for the exam pieces, i have no choice. everytime i practice, at home, even though i know that it is perfect, my mom would say something like, it's too slow or it's too fast or maybe wouldn't say anything. when my niece come to my house and play some random kid song, she'll say that it's so friggin' nice and i didn't play until that nice when i was that age. when i ask her if the songs i played were ever nice, she'll say it's not and my niece's one is nicer. my cousin is so compatative, she always compare me to her daughter in front of my mom. and such a show off. not that i think that she is better, of course i know that i'm better, that's obvious, just that's what my mom thinks, i'm always the stupidest and the worst in her head.
kindof the same things happen again and again.
same goes for my guitar dream.
and now, this week, it's my exam results. so far, i've gotten 2 Cs already, bad enough, i bet my mom is gonna be angry. but i really hope that it doesn't have anything to do with fellowship. i wanna attend fellowship. i allow myself to skip a few weeks when there's exam and i do not allow myself to skip it for the whole year. it feels like i'm loosing a whole part of myself. i'm not angry for failing add maths, i'm not angry that i'm stupid, i'm kindof angry that wendy cheats and beat me, but i'm scared. i'm scared that my mom will be furious at my results. i'm scared that she will call me stupid again, brainless, useless. i'm scared that she thinks that church is the thing that is making me get these bad results. this whole year, i've been trying to prove her wrong, but again and again, she leaves me speechless. sometimes i just start to think if i'm even her child. why does she have to be so mean to me? some people says she cares too much, over protective. fine, then why does she have to be mean? why does she have to make me feel like i'm worthless, like i can't do anything right? why do i have to live my life to impress her? since i was 5, i've been trying to impress my mom, only my teachers complimented me, my mom never complimented me. i'm exhausted. i need a break from all thing. 11 years of trying to impres someone that will never be impressed. i'm surprised that i had the will to live this long. LOL, just kidding, i've never thought of dying. that's stupid. i have a life to live for.
mood:
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