you.

i've been sitting here for about 10 minutes to think of a post title that fits this post content most. thoughts. friends. past. what ifs. friends. reality. no, they don't fit at all. i can't find one that completely fits because this whole post is more or less, about you. so i entitled this post as you.

you, let me remind you of something. remember your first year of school here? remember how we actually knew each other? no. honestly, i don't. and i still don't and i don't ever wish i do. why? because i didn't have any means or any reason when i wanted to know you. i just wanted to be your friend. that's all. how complicated could that be? it was something so natural, us becoming friends. we didn't think much. :)

years passed, puberty hit, mood swings, different thoughts, girls, boys, teenagers. life became complicated. our lives grew further and further apart. but one thing, i never thought in a million years that we would become what we are today. i want to good again, i want you to see me, i'm not invisible, i don't want to be somebody in your life that you just layan. i don't mind having you in my life, as long as you put in a little effort and i put in a little, it's alright. things have been alright once, then i didn't know what happened after that. i want us to be what we were before, i know it's hard to become like the past, but at least, stop what's happening now. i didn't know when all this started to happen. do you really think of me that way? 

i don't want to care what you think of me anymore, i can forget whatever shit at happened in the past, but i need you to know what i think of you. i think you are better than me in almost every way. i'm not jealous, i'm fine with it, i'm happy to have a friend that's that good. you're smart, you get good results without really..umm..becoming like what i am, all torn and down after exam. you get what you want. you want it, you get it. your stamina for sports is better than mine. i used to compare myself a lot to you because our parents are friends but i don't dislike you. i don't treat you coldly. i still treat you the way i do but i just take you as my motivation, you should be proud of that. you can sing, i like that :) remember when we did that talent time in form 2? yeah..good old times :') you wanted to be a prefect, you did :) you were also good at socializing. you knew almost everybody in school, i can't even remember their names, haha. you got prettier and prettier every year, too. i guess that's obvious enough with all those compliments :)

that's about it that i can think of, but there's definitely more. i don't care if you talk about me behind my back to my friends or what. let's forget about it, but there's a problem we need to solve and i believe i owe an explanation. i know you were good good friends with them (oh you know who i'm talking about) and you still can, if you want to. i hope i did not do anything that hurt you but i was just making some friends. the same way how i became friends with you. like kids. i didn't be friends with you because i wanted your lollipop nor i made friends with them because i needed the advantage(i don't know what advantage) they would give me. i went out with them often because i'm a naughty type of person, you know that. i like to go out and play. i can go out and they can fetch me. it's a win win situation so why not. then our friendship got closer and they started to ask me out more often. nothing much more than that. did you recall back all those memories you've got with me for the past 11 years? do you really want to let 7 people ruin it? i'm not trying to be nice now to get you to change the way you think of me. it's just i did not know what i did to make you feel that way of me. what people think of me really matters a lot to me. i have no siblings, all i have are friends. 

i hope you understand me, and i know you hope i will understand you, too. but if you're kind enough to hold your hand out and let us hold, we'll be there. who said we left? who said i left? left for what? for that pack of people? having 7 extra friends doesn't mean i can't keep the good friends i have now. there isn't a limit. there isn't a limit for you, too, right? it's your choice. i hope one day, we could come out for lunch or a movie and we can sit down peacefully in a coffee shop talking about our silly times back then. well, you can also tell me what i did that made you feel this way about me..not forcing, but you could. hehe. i need to know, i think i deserve to know. i can't change into someone you don't have those feeling about without knowing my mistakes. one of my close friends and i make a good example. we put up a good fight on twitter a coupke of months ago, she told me what she didn't like about me and i told her what i didn't like about her and we kind of reduced those things by like A LOT, and now our friendship is going to somewhere real good. maybe we could try that. call me, old friend? :)

familiar?

much love,

SM.

mood: 

a gift.

It's SPM season, but I can't help this right now. I have been so lazy to blog for the past few months, well, not exactly lazy, I have written some drafts but I never finished them. Well, this post is different, I promised myself that I would finish this one. Tomorrow is my accounts exam, probably my last time I'll touch anything to do with accounts. I'm grateful and proud of myself. Accounts is not easy, it's not, at all. I've made it through, though.

So, a gift. Many things can be considered as a gift from God. A gift is something that makes people happy, it's something good, usually. But, you see, I just realized, it's actually from different point of views. For someone quiet, a book is good, it's a gift. If you give them a skateboard, they wouldn't know what to do with it. For someone who doesn't like a coffee, a coffee maker isn't a gift to them, it's just a something. It doesn't mean much to them. A gift is usually something meaningful to the person. I've heard all kinds of gifts before, happiness, love, faith, etc. etc. but for someone who has already lost faith in love in their previous relationship and would have nightmares about their boyfriend cheating on them and you give them love again, what would it be? Would the person fall in love all over again? or back off and cry thinking about letting go?

It's a mystery, it's all a mystery. There are so many question going through my head right now that I have no answers to. When I was young, I used to think that I wouldn't want to have kids. I think they are a pain. Why don't i just enjoy life myself? But everyone's human, we'll eventually want to fall in love, get married and have a family of our own. I would think of my kids now. Like what their names could be, how many kids, how to raise them, their environment. The way I was raised was very traditional, it involves caning, scolding and fights. People say babies are the best gifts anyone could ask for. It's a gift from God, it is to be treasured and loved in the right way. I'm treasured and I know that, I know my mom loves me. She gives me the best she could. When I get so much attention, I get jealous easily. It's selfish but I can't help it.

My cousin's wife gave birth to a baby 6 months ago. It's a girl. I'm a little jealous in a way. The presence of the baby makes me sad, all the attention goes to her, even my dad that doesn't like babies. My mom keeps saying how pretty the baby is, how smart she will be and how i should help to make the best of the bests. The feeling sucks pretty badly. Its like helping some other parent raise their kid into a better person. NO, i will not try my best to do that. i sound really selfish now but when it comes to you, maybe you'll realize my point here. That baby is not even her real granddaughter. How much more can she love my child? Can't she leave her love to her real granddaughter? I'm the youngest among all my cousins. By the time it's my turn, I think my mom is already tired of loving babies, it will already become a daily routine, some kind of habit to ang gu gu babies.

It makes me think a lot. What if my children are not as beautiful as my cousins' children? What if mine's not as smart? I don't mean it but, what if, my mom doesn't have to chance to love her own grandchildren? I'll be so jealous. Why don't mine get your love and they do? Will you compare my children to others' children like how you compare me now? I'm sorry but it's not my turn yet so I don't know. 'cos all i see now is you're treating other people like your children and your child is not getting any attention. I don't have a choice to pick how i want my kids to be, but no matter what, i'll love them like their the most precious thing in the world. I don't hope for anyone to compare these gifts. That gift have made me sad so I'm not sure if it's a gift to me. It has brought me sorrow and loneliness. So, for me, that baby is not a gift.

Another thing about gifts that I don't really like about is, if there were 2 gifts for you, but you can only take one home, you wouldn't know which to choose. Both gifts, full of surprises in 2 different ways. You wouldn't know which one will be the right one that you can keep forever. Maybe halfway you will get tired of one of them and regret that you didn't choose the other gift. It's a pain. So, is it a gift or not? i don't know. Let's leave it to God, shall we? Miracles could happen. Fate and destiny wins it all. One day, it'll all happen and we'll know. It's about time i get back to my accounts now, so, all the best in life ;)

much love,
SM

mood: &